Stalking in the shadows...

Being the mother of a dead child has warped me in many ways. I went through some horrible PPD/grief depression (who can really differentiate the two?) in the 3-15 months after K's birth and death. And after that still had many many hard days when i would have to leave my cube and go and cry (sob) in my car. I also had a really hard time dealing with friends and coworkers pregnancies and births. I am just starting to see some people again and the healing in that area is definitely due to my son's birth.

I am scheduled to get pedicures with a good friend tonight at 5. She is 37.5 weeks pregnant with her 1st. She and I have become closer friends after my daughters death. She came to the hospital, with no expectations of seeing me if i needed space, when my son was born. Hearing her pregnancy announcement when i was a few weeks postpartum was mostly ok, which is a big improvement for me.

She just sent me a note saying that she was going to go home and lay down for a bit because she wasn't feeling great. This is a totally normal thing. During the end of both of my pregnancies I often had to head home early. And it never was related to being in labor. And yet somehow I've convinced myself that she is in early or false labor. After having a moment of mild excitement at the thought, my heart started sinking in a familiar way.

I don't know exactly what brought tears to my eyes. Fear and worry that everything goes well when she does have the baby? (my labor emergency wasn't something that could have been predicted and happens in less than 1:15000 births) But beyond fear for my friend and her baby, I am also just taken back to my own first pregnancy/birth.

I wonder if all labor/birth announcements will pull me back to that day. Will my heart always sink when i start imagining the early stage of labor and heading to the hospital? I know that if i had to deal with another person I could hide my feelings. I've become an expert at that. I'm very good at shoving tears deep inside.

I don't wish her harm, I don't deny her in any way her own happiness and healthy newborn, and I do have some excitement for her birth and new baby. I have another month before I am returning to work and the earlier she has the baby, the more time I will have available for visiting and helping.

I guess the pain is due partly to knowing that for her to have an uneventful delivery (which is what I want for her) means that there is one more person who gets what I lost. The ability to hold your first child when they aren't full of tubes and without having to ask 5 minutes later if she still has a heartbeat.... and to be told no.

Birth will always scare me. I will never feel empowered by birth. Will thoughts of birth always lead to pain and mourning? I hope this will also lessen with time....

Time doesn't heal this type of pain, but is does soften the sharp edges.